A loss is a loss, not matter how small.

Grief and loss are like a storm battering a tiny island in an otherwise peaceful ocean; one wave after another crash in causing pain and wreaking havoc. At some points the various emotions (anger, fear, anxiety, sadness, pain, hope and many others) crash, sometimes all at the same time. And you, the island, feel like you are gong to get swamped and washed to the bottom of the ocean, never to see the light of day again.

For some the depression clouds roll in and never seem to leave again. For others those clouds come and go.

The intensity of the storm depends on what was lost and who the person is. The death of a family cat can be as devastating as the loss of a job, which can be as devastating as the death of a child. Whilst one person can shrug off the loss of a job, another person will sink beneath the crashing waves of the storm. And it’s not a matter of one is stronger than the other. Loss is far more complicated than that!

I might be ok at loosing a couple of dollars, however at the death of my cat I felt the depression rolling in again. For me, the death of my beloved Razine Kasheikh was almost as intense as the miscarriage I had 10 days after my middle child's first birthday. And these are things that still blindside me at the most unexpected and occasionally inconvenient of times.

I don’t think that any loss is worse than another; who are we to tell someone else “my loss is bigger and more painful than yours!”?? The person who spent years working towards their dream job, then having an accident or illness take that away from them is going to have as many intense moments as a person who lost a husband to cancer!

My family, we play a computer game together, and my middle child had a couple of pets, and two of them mysteriously disappeared. It happens, and as an adult I can accept that and move on relatively quickly. But my daughter, she was devastated. She was just as upset over a couple of digital pets, as she was over two of her guppies that recently died.

I think that the loss of something is relative to the emotional investment into what it was that was lost. So, yes, one person can shrug off a job loss, whilst another person can not.

What happens to the children of divorced parents who constantly go back and forth between parents? They are constantly in a state of grieving.

Before my firstborn was born, I had a moment of grieving at the “loss” of her father. Granted, I was the one who ended the relationship, as I didn’t want a drug addicted alcoholic with a series of other issues around my child, especially after he tried to kill her whilst I was still pregnant with her. But I grieved. I grieved the loss that my daughter would grow up without a father, she would have uncles and grandfathers, but a girl really needs a daddy. And I grieved her loss, knowing that at some point she too would have to grieve that loss for herself. Sadly she never got to that point…

At some point everyone will grieve over something, and that something will not be trivial to them. Some will take a few days to “get over” some will take a lifetime and even that length of time is not enough. Big or small grief is grief. Loss is loss.

Sitting with a grieving person and letting them tell you their story (even if you’ve heard it a dozen times today) will help them move through the pain and eventually come out the other end. People in grief (especially early on) will often be in a fog, they may not realise that they are telling you their story again, don’t tell them, just zip your lip and listen to them.

When my firstborn died, I had two groups of people that “supported” me. Some actually did, they sat with me, interpreted my nonsense into English, they let me cry, they let me speak, and they kept a steady supply of tissues to keep my snot and tears at bay! The other group stuck me on a prescribed grief schedule, “it is now your time to get angry, go on, yell at me!”, “it’s been 6 weeks, don’t you think you should be happy now?”! 6 weeks of grieving doesn’t equate to the death of a 2 year old!

Then there’s the ones that say “it was only (you fill in the blank) why are you so upset?” And that blank could be a job, a pet, some money, a toy, a pet on a computer game, or something else!

If a person is grieving, support them, don’t squish them or shush them, don’t tell them to get over it already. It meant more to them then it did to you. Zip the lip; give them a piece of chocolate and a hug and make sure you have a steady supply of tissues!

Do you want to get well?

…One man there had been an invalid for thirty-eight years. Jesus saw him lying there and realised he had already been there a long time. “Do you want to get well?” He asked.“Sir,” replied the sick man, “I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am on my way, someone else goes in before me.”…

The question of "do you want to get well" is often laughed at - who wouldn't want to get well?

But it is a little more complex than that.

This question could be asked "are you ready to give up your payoffs, balance mechanisms and risk change or even criticism from your family or friends in order to get well?".

What's the mans answer? "I have no one to help me!" Why wasn't his answer "yes"? Why isn't our answer "yes"? Is it because we want to maintain the status quo in our family and getting well would upset the apple cart, throw things out of balance, cause too much pain or disturbance? Are we afraid that it will bring more harm that would outweigh any good that may come of it?

Reading further on the story, the man did get healed, but that caused all kinds of trouble!

The point I'm making here is that we need to be certain that we want to change, and have sufficiently braced ourselves for the onslaught that may come.

For me, I've been making changes in my life, yet, when I spend time with my mother, she expects me to be and behave how I used to. And because I am learning how to be me, not my mothers clone, it causes issues. One of those is that she then refuses to speak to me for months at a time. This is just one consequence of me wanting to be me, a better, nicer, less abrupt, calmer person.

I read this statement somewhere - reasons make a man seem reasonable, yet keep him locked in unreasonable (and may I add, dysfunctional and possibly destructive) behaviour.

Yes, it is downright scary to look honestly at your life and decide that it needs to change. And it is hard work to embark on the road to change. You may not have any supporters either. Don't let these things stop you.

If you want to find the real you, learn to be relaxed in your skin and be friends with the one in your skull, then I highly recommend walking the hard path of change... If you want help and guidance then I can possibly help you, or at least point you in the right direction!

So, do you want to get well?