I need a small holiday, so I'm not making any appointments available for 2 weeks over Christmas!
If you need an appointment, please call, text or email. I still have a couple of spots available before my break. Otherwise you will need to wait until I come back!
I will be going on my holiday between December 22 2023 and January 8 2024.
I sat down tonight to continue asking myself some hard questions… I’m attempting some goal setting for both my work and my personal life – me! Earlier today I set some goals around anxiety and health… yay!
I decided that I would continue this work, but this time around two different but related goals. More fun. More adventures.
At the outset, I thought – how hard can this be? Little did I know! I started off with how do I make more fun more specific!? Here is where I discovered a rather telling thing about myself… I have no idea what I like to do for fun!! Cue moment of panic! Yes, even therapists freak out occasionally.
What do I do for fun?
Computer games? Depends on the game and on the company, if there is any company.
Crochet – is that personal stuff or stuff for my daughters business?
Reading – depends on the subject. If its psychological, it could be fun, if its a novel that could also be fun.
I think my issue here is how on earth am I defining fun?
I should also note that I find it fun to find out what makes people tick. It’s fun, but the more interesting version of fun as opposed to rolling on the floor laughing my ass off kind of fun.
Enjoyment; amusement.
"We had fun at the beach."
A source of enjoyment, amusement, or pleasure.
"Was the party fun?"
Mirthful sport; frolicsome amusement; enjoyment from gay or comical action or speech.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, 5th Edition.
OK, by that account:
watching a movie (I have a couple hundred of those)
computer games
crochet
people watching/studying
gardening (looking after my herbs)
reading
hanging out with my fur and feather babies (1 dog, 1 cat, 5 chickens)
having deep existential philosophical discussions
Problem solved. I find a lot of things to be fun. So my next problem is how do I make such a vague goal of have more fun into something that is more specific, measurable and achievable without taking the fun out of it??
Ahem – I think I’ve missed the point!! I don’t think its a case of scheduling into my time more of these specific activities and then saying – ahah! I did this or that! No. Rather, I think this needs to be looked at from an entirely different perspective.
Instead of scheduling in activities, I need to give myself permission to relax and have more fun!
I believe that is the line of questioning I need to take myself down.
So now, I need to go and spend some time asking myself some of the hard questions that I ask my clients!
How or where do you hold your stress?
For me, its my feet, shoulders and upper spine. My bones feel like they are crumbling, they probably aren't, that’s just how they feel! And its ridiculously painful!
So where is it for you? What is that place or those places that hurt the most whenever you become seriously stressed?
More importantly, what do you do about it?
In the past, I ignored it and hoped it would go away, but the pain was just too much. Eventually, those around me helped me to reduce my stress by pretty much forcing a change of situation on me! This was partly because I would procrastinate – why do today what I can put off until next week – and partly because I didn’t know how to deal with my stress, or that I even could deal with it.
Is that the same for you? That you don’t know how to deal with the stress, or that you’re just too tired from it all, or that you’re happy putting off what you can do today until next week??
That last option isn’t exactly a healthy one! But if that is your choice, then OK!! (Just so you know, you don’t have to live like that.)
If you’re tired from it all, I hear ya! Stress wears you down. It wears you out. I get that, emotionally speaking, you may not have the energy to change or deal with whatever is causing you stress! I get that. Really, I’ve been there! You just wanna walk away from everything. You just wanna lay down and sleep, but sleep is not refreshing. Life gets like that sometimes.
The other option is that you, like I was, don’t know how to deal with it. Where on earth do you start with this stuff? The feeling becomes overwhelming, and a swamped sinking feeling kicks in. Yep, I get that too! It’s never fun.
OK, time for something a little practical… Just cause, why not!!
So you’re tired – what do you do? Here’s an idea – do you have one person you can delegate to? Here’s hoping you do! Delegate a task or two! Reduce your load!
You’re living on your own, no one to delegate to? Damn… that is a little harder. But not impossible! Start of with your daily tasks – what needs to be done now, later, whenever? Priortise!!
I actually employ this little thing called denial – I know, I know – denial is a bad thing! Right? Is it? If utilised in the right way, denial could actually help save your sanity. Denial needs some very very strong barriers, or it can get out of hand! So only try this if you think you are able to go toe to toe with denial!
How this works – you have only so much energy, and a massive task list. After prioritising your top 3 tasks for the day, you use denial to deny that all your other task on that list exist, for that day only. That’s the key here. You are only using the denial to stop you from overdoing things for today only. Tomorrow, you need to recheck your list, get your new top 3 and do it all over again. My suggestion here, take one task that is a daily task, one task that is weekly and one task that has been waiting for longer than you can remember!
O – if that is too much (which for some it is way too much) take one task and break it into sections. An example of this. My family went away for a week, I had the dishes to do, (for energy reasons I had left them for a couple of days), to get them done, I broke the task into chunks. Cutlery. Plates and glasses/mugs. Pots/pans. And though that day I did nothing else, the dishes got done! And I stacked them to dry on their own… Sometimes one task needs to be done but it is huge, so you need to not put it off, but break it into smaller parts.
There are lots of situations that cause stress, so do people… I have one of those!
That stressful person that keeps ringing you and asking you to do stuff for them? Here’s an idea! Stop answering your phone - if you can, get a really annoying ring tone specifically for them, save their number in your phone, assign that tone to them and when you hear it ring, you’ll know its them. Instead of swiping the green answer call button, learn to swipe the red ignore call button. The world will not stop if you ignore them for a day or two… Their world may fall apart without you, but that is their problem, not yours.
Sometimes that annoying person needs to be spoken to. The one I have calls me for a reason. And so instead of ringing him back, I wait to a time that suits me, and I either text or email him. I do this so I can actually ensure that I am polite, and I cover everything that needs to be covered! It saves on communication, effort and energy.
You need to learn that you teach people how to treat you. So if you regularly roll over and play dead, then they will learn to treat you like a floor mat!
OK, so back to working on if you’re tired – ask yourself, is my tiredness a physical thing from a lack of sleep? Or is it an emotional thing from too much stress?? There is a difference! If its from a physical lack of sleep then you need to work out why! What is going on for you as to why you are not sleeping?
Answering these questions will help you understand your situation better. And over time, your answers will change!
NOTE: if it is a physical lack of sleep. Going to bed and attempting to sleep may just add to your stress and frustration. Sleep is not something that you can force. And I do not agree to swallowing tablets to induce sleep. The point is to examine the situations when you do get sleep. Examine the situations when you don’t get sleep and understand whats going on for you!
If it is an emotional tiredness, again, exploring that (a little at a time) will help you work out ways to make small changes that will help reduce that tiredness.
For me, my tiredness is both physical lack of sleep and emotional issues, due to ongoing health crap.
So I can’t change the health stuff – or can I?? That realisation, for me, was a breakthrough in the emotional department.
That little question of or can I?? can lead to a revelation, a new perspective, new ideas!
For me that question lead me to researching gut health and how to improve it; herbs – the good, the bad, and the what the hell is that!!; exercise; sleep; meditation (mindfulness) and a pile of other things. That question has lead to some lifestyle changes for me!
It can do the same for you!
Have you noticed that I’m asking a lot of questions – its what I do! Because answering these questions brings new awareness, awareness brings change, and change can be beneficial! So the questions really need to be answered. And some are harder to answer than others! I’ll acknowledge that, because it is true!
Take the question of why am I not sleeping? You could shrug your shoulders and say I dunno!! Or you could begin to be a little honest! I have my phone beside my pillow and I look at facebook at 3am every morning.
Stop there – unpack that. Why is your phone beside your bed? Why are you awake at 3am? Why are you surfing facebook?
Do people call you at 3am? No! Then maybe you can leave the phone in the kitchen or lounge room!
Is it that you’re awake at 3am because you’ve got yourself a little habit?? Why facebook? There’s better things you can spend your time doing! Can you stop yourself surfing or has it gotten to be more of an addiction?
Answering questions leads to insight! Insight leads to understanding! Understanding leads to change, self-betterment.
To get insights, you need to be honest with yourself.
OK, so in your exploration if why you are stressed, you’ve discovered that you lack the ability to say no, or you found that you self-sabotage with procrastination, or you’ve discovered that you may be wrestling with some form of addiction. You can get assistance with these. Honest!
If something here clicked with you and you found that you need a little help to get where you want to be, don’t hesitate in contacting me.
Well, I'm here. My first day in the new set up. I'm so glad that I don't have any appointments today, because I think I'll need a little time to sort out any issues.
At therapy is something I most definitely want to be doing in the not so distant future.
So, that means drawing, clay, paint, things like these and whatever else can be viewed as art...
Um, if you were an animal and I was a vet, yes I could. But you are not an animal and I am not a vet. So sorry, no I cannot fix you.
OK, all jokes aside. People do ask me that. And they get very disappointed at my answer. I have my reasons:
1. I can't pull miracles out of my ... I just can't!
2. I don't know how you want to be fixed, and what I may think is you fixed, may actually be you broken.
3. Is not my job to fix you.
4. Um, nope, sorry, I can't think of a 4th one.
OK, so lets look at these points a little closer.
1. I can't pull miracles out of my ... ! Well, it's true. I don't have a magic wand, I'm not your fairy godmother, and miracles are not my specialty. I never went to uni to learn how to make miracles happen. I never found any class that taught that.
2. I don't know how you want to be fixed... it's true. You know you best. I can point you in the right direction, I can offer you tools to make changes to yourself, I can offer insights, but ultimately, it's you who knows you best.
3. It's not my job. Well, it's not. Fixing you is actually your job. I just kinda help and support you along the way. I know, I've done how many years at university? And at the end of that I tell you that fixing you is not my job? What kind of therapist am I? I'd like to think I'm the honest kind.
If you know right at the get go that is your job to fix you, then this makes your job easier for you. You know straight up what the expectations are. You know that you have to do the hard yards, whatever homework is set for you and whatever experiments you want to run on yourself.
The therapy I offer is client focused with the drive towards action on your part. That action is you doing what you need to do to fix you. So if you need to learn how to set and enforce boundaries, then you are expected by me to actually do that. I can show you how, I can offer suggestions, but ultimately it's up to you.
So no, in answer to the question at hand, I cannot and will not fix you. That's your job.
There are several reasons why people generally do not attend appointments. Some of those reasons are:
● Not interested in turning up
● Completely forgot about the appointment
● Self-sabotage in the way of double booking
● Being sick
● Car issues
● Lack of internet
● Changing ones mind about the need for the appointment
This is just a very small list, I'm sure many more reasons can be added to that.
Let's just look at each of these in turn.
Not interested in turning up.
This can happen if someone else made the appointment for you. People do that a lot, especially well meaning ones who think a person requires therapy. While a person may require therapy, if they don't think they do, they simply won't follow through on the appointment. Which is completely understandable. There have been appointments made for me by others that I've not turned up to. I've not wanted to go, had other things organised for that time, or just not been interested in going. I'm not going to scream and shout at you if someone else made an appointment and you don't want to be there.
I know a lady, very well meaning, who has made appointments for people to see me, then wondered when she does a follow up, why they never arrived. Here's a hint - If a person feels forced or pressured into going to a therapy appointment then one of two things will happen: 1) they wont arrive at their allotted appointment, or 2) they will turn up, but they will most likely be sullen, moody, on edge or not relaxed and wont benefit from the therapy anyway.
All I ask, if that if you are in this group, and someone makes an appointment on your behalf, and you don't see the need, please send a text message or email (details can be found in the contact section) and let me know. I appreciate the effort. And it also means that someone else who wants the appointment can have that time.
Now, before I forget, there is a group of people in this category who don't want therapy, but have to go. Those are the court mandated people. For whatever reason a judge or someone in the court system has given the order "you must attend x number of therapy sessions". Imagine, if you will, how they will feel!! Most likely not happy. Though there may be some who would attend and get something out of it, but there would be many who see no point. Sadly, for these people they cannot say "I'm not gonna go". So they either turn up and figuratively speaking 'sit in the corner', or they don't turn up. There is nothing I can do about them not turning up. I just hope that they don't blow their chance at freedom or a life if they don't.
Completely forgetting about an appointment.
Who here has done this? I'll be the first to raise my hand!! I have done that. I did not mean to, and I apologised for it. It happens. If you know that you are likely to forget, then setting a reminder on your phone (or getting a family member to remind you can help). I understand that sometimes stress can make our brains not work as well as they should, and we forget things. It's part of life. Being aware of the fact and doing something about it is the best course of action. Also sending through a quick apology goes a long way. And as a bonus, if you forget a session, you can always reschedule. And you can ask for a text or email reminder the day before. 😉 A lot of services these days come with reminders: "X, you have an appointment with ABC tomorrow at 10.30am". I have done reminders for clients in the past. It's no big issue. Please don't stress out if you forget an appointment and think that you cant come back. You can. That is why I have a reschedule option.
Self-sabotage and double booking oneself.
I knew a guy who did this. I sincerely doubt that he went out of his way to do it, but it didn't change the fact that he did. He told me he needed at least 100 hours of therapy. Never turned up. I tried 4 times before having to give up. I had to let him go. I hate doing it, because I want to see everyone have the opportunity to become healthy and whole, But I had to let him go, for my own sake.
So why do people double book over a therapy appointment? Again, there is not one simple answer. You're looking at people's emotions here, while they recognise that they need something, they may not be ready for therapy. That's OK.
Some people however, know they need the therapy, wish to appease family, yet refuse to get the help they need, and so deliberately double book. That's OK. They can play those games, it won't help them though. They will remain in their issues and not get better. Please, if you're in that group, do a little soul searching. Would it do any harm to attend therapy, see what it's like, see if it may help you feel better on the inside? At the very least, it's worth a try! You never know, you may just get some benefit out of it!
Often, self-sabotage is a subconscious thing that people do. They don't realise they are doing it. Then they realise at the time of the appointment that they did it, but still don't recognise the behaviour.
Part of self-sabotage is procrastination. People have their reasons. It's sad to see people doing it to themselves, especially when you know that you can help them change that behaviour.
It takes effort to change the behaviour. And really, who has not self-sabotaged in some way or other? I know I have! I spent several intense weeks dealing with some of my own self-sabotaging behaviour. Let me tell you, it's made a real difference to my life! Am I all done there? No, not by a long shot!
So, what happens with a person who has booked for a session and then sabotages their chances of attending? Well, in all honesty, there is nothing I can do about it. It's on that person. All I can do is offer a new time and wait and see if they arrive.I have my limits, and as such developed a policy where I will only do this 3 times. Then I have to let the person go. (Letting them go is gutting for me, because I know I can help them.) I have to let them go because I don't know what is going on for them, and holding onto them, or applying pressure to them to attend is only going to make them feel worse. I have to ask myself: Are they simply not interested? Did they just forget? Are they not yet ready to engage in therapy? I'm not a mind reader, I'm also not a heart reader. I do not know what is going on in a person. I can get a fairly good handle on what is going on if they come and talk, but they need to come, and I cant force that. I WONT force that! Therapy doesn't work if a person feels forced.
Self-sabotage is a big issue for a lot of people, it's partly why Sanctuary Counselling and Consultancy exists. To help those in that situation. If they don't turn up, then it is not me who misses out... well, actually in a way I do. I miss out on meeting a potentially wonderful person. But that is beside the point. They miss out on the opportunity for change. But again, I wont push them.
I mentioned earlier that self-sabotage is a game that people play. And it is. It is a self-destructive game that in the end will only cause them pain. I think of another man I know, who seriously self-sabotages, practices procrastination (he's now, pretty much, an expert level procrastinator), and what has it gotten him? His grandchildren want nothing to do with him! This is a sad state to be in. And I wish that he would open his eyes and see where his behaviour has gotten him. Yet he refuses.
There is no condemnation, if a person doesn't turn up to an appointment, I cannot make them. I cannot force them. It's their choice. Simple. However, if they wish to change, and they make the effort to arrive, then something can be done to set them on the path to freedom from this self-destructive behaviour.
There is hope for people who self-sabotage. Change is possible. Yes, it is hard work. But change is possible. I know, I've worked on the area in my own life. I assure you, change is possible. And it is more than just wanting it. The effort needs to put in.
Being sick 🤮.
Yes, nobody wants your germs. If you're sick, please make contact and reschedule your appointment. There have been a few times when I've had to reschedule appointments with clients because I've been sick. It's not fun. Nobody likes being sick. But it happens. When you're healthy and feeling better, then you can come and chat. And no, I do not recommend phone appointments or online appointments while you're sick. Why? Because you really need to be resting and getting better, not digging through emotional stuff. Leave the therapy until your bug has packed up and left. Ask yourself, what kind of head space are you in when you have a dose of the flu, a running nose and are coughing? I know that when I'm like that, all I wanna do is sleep.
Car issues.
OK, I get it, cars can be temperamental at times. I understand. Again, the option to reschedule is there. And please, take your car to a mechanic. They need as much care as their human owners do.
Lack of internet.
This would only affect those having sessions over Skype, Discord or Zoom. Yes, those are options... Decent internet is a bit of an issue in some places. Sending a quick message stating the problem is appreciated and a phone call can be made to touch base. Again, rescheduling is an option, changing format to face to face or phone is also an option. Therapy is somewhat flexible, to a point.
Changing ones mind about the need for the appointment
This happens a lot. A person, in the heat of the moment, picks up the phone, and makes an appointment. All good! But then, because there are times when the appointment is for the next day or a few days time, they have the chance to change their mind. They tell themselves "I overreacted, I don't actually need to go". Yeah, OK! You can play that game if you wish. You will not get the help you seem to have thought you needed. I've had a couple of people do this. And I can hear in their voice very clear distress, so I make an appointment for them. In those cases I try to fit them is sometime the following day. Sometimes that is not possible. I can only do so much! But they change their mind.Why? How on earth do I know? I've already stated that I'm not a mind reader!! Often, I never hear back from these ones! Never. So sad. I wish they would. At least say, no, I've changed my mind! I'm not going to try and twist your arm, I'm not going to beg, or plead, or harass you. Why? Well, there's no point in doing that! If you've changed your mind then you've changed your mind. You're using your autonomy to make a decision for yourself, good or bad, you've done it! Good on you for using your autonomy and making a decision, so many people suffer with indecision!
One that I thought of, but didn't add to the list was not answering the phone for a phone appointment. Yes, phone appointments are an option you can choose. Now, because I've had several people not answer their phones, I had to make a policy on the issue. That is, I call three times about 5 minutes apart. The last time, I will leave a message, if there is an option to do so. Then it is up to the person to make contact. If they do not, then again, that is their choice.
Remember, not making a choice, is still making a choice. You are simply choosing to do nothing!
Now, my apologies if I bored you to sleep. I have made the attempt to cover what happens if a person fails to turn up to an appointment and what I will do. In general, I cannot give any consequences. I simply have to let a person go.
Remember, if you decide that you would like to have a chat with me, you can jump over to my contact page here to contact me, or hop into my Discord server. Take your pick, really. It's all up to you.
Thank you for sticking with me to the end!
Have a blessed day.
I'm still here. Still doing my stuff. I've almost finished my Bachelor degree (I have one unit left to do). Yay, is almost party time!! 🥳
The business still has no real home, however, I have found some space that is much better suited to therapy than the library was. Which is a relief. So, sessions are still by appointment only.
I'm currently using my break to go back over things, make appropriate changes and adjustments, and get prepared for when my degree is completed. And then I begin the work of obtaining Medicare rebates. I'm hoping that won't take too long. But, there is no guarantee.
I'm also currently doing a short course on Child Protection. I'm working towards being able to work with children as well as adults.
Al well as all this, I've been working on my health, which hasn't been great. I'm getting better, slowly. I guess that's a step in the right direction. I discovered that I was in a worse state than I first thought, however, now that I know about these other issues, I can work on them! That's kinda like therapy, really. You can only work on what you know about.
Things are looking up!
Sanctuary Counselling and Consultancy is currently without an office. However, talks have commenced in the area of acquiring a space. I will keep you posted as to the outcome of this development.
